I don’t stay in touch with people. I am kind of peculiar in this regard. I don’t know any of my friends from high school any more. I stay in touch with two friends from university, but they are very unique people. Our futures are bound together in a strange way. Everyone else I encountered in the four years of university is long gone. Some linger in my memory, a couple in my imagination and the rest aren’t even blank faces. I am friendly, but I don’t really connect with people. I don’t become attached to anything. I am not always present in this reality. I have a tendency to manufacture others and explore. I am aware of my separation. It’s a gainful sacrifice. I don’t have a lot of friends, but it gives me more time to think. If I have been given a gift which is meant to be shared, is it not my responsibility to ensure that it is shared with all the zeal I can muster? So I’m different, neither here nor there. I am uncertain, randomly unpredictable, frequently manic and always intense. I am not easy to be around. I continue to be more of an enigma than a friend. This is what I am.
For those few connections I make are deep and long-lasting. They are made precious by their scarcity. They are as sacred to me as I am to myself.
I took a test about seven years ago and the outcome was both positive and negative. I wasn’t in the best frame of mind at the time, which is why I volunteered for the test in the first place. A bad reason to take a test of this type. I mean, I already knew what the result would be, but I was taking the test as a measure of reassurance, as a means to bolster my waning self-esteem. The score was positive, but my reaction to one of the comments was not. I have ‘a responsibility to contribute’ to society. I had never thought about things in terms like this before. I didn’t suspect the concept would be introduced to my consciousness through something such as this test. I did not understand the ramifications of this idea. At first I was depressed. What have I done? What am I supposed to do? I don’t have a purpose. Contribute what? I’m still struggling with these questions. However, the dark depressive force, which used to pull me down, is being converted into the energy required to overcome the struggle.
I don’t know if I will be triumphant in the long run. I don’t know for sure that I will fulfill this responsibility and contribute to the welfare of humanity. I am and will continue to work on the solution. Maybe the effort is the triumph.
I am no different than anyone else in this regard. We all have some contribution to offer, whether we are successful or not is a matter of mindfulness.
