There’s a sticky ‘u’ on my keyboard. There are holes appearing in my memory again. I am forgetting both small and large events of an upcoming or past nature. Or, am I not paying attention? I can’t even remember what I’ve already been pinched for forgetting, so I can’t lay any examples down.
Memories never capture the substance of the actual event. Memories are a faded version of our perception of an event. We see what we choose to see. We run what we choose to see through our psychological and intellectual filters, ridding ourselves of the waste and keeping only the important bits. These float about in our short term memory for a couple of minutes as they are learned into long term. Faded, inaccurate, softened, idealized, sometimes rewritten memories. Our personal history.
I don’t know if I am the sum of my knowledge. There could be more or less to me. There have to be some subtractive qualities within me, not everything is positive. Impossible for everything to be positive. Am I more than my personal history?
What if it all disappeared in an instant? My entire personal history, wiped out without a moments notice. It is frightening. An internal conflict arises because an innate part of you will always remember that you should know who you are. When you can not, an alarm button is preset to auto-fire.
Ten years or so ago, I had a nightmare. Imagine this. There are quick flashes of images, almost still life photographs, but the exposures are warped, so you can’t really see anything at all. But you can feel pain, such pain as you never thought possible. People are holding you down. Someone is doing something to your head. It hurts so fucking much, you scream and swear. Voices, all these voices, everyone’s talking at the same time. Someone is telling you that everything will be all right. Someone else is telling you not to swear. In and out, in and out, none of this is a constant stream of information, it’s all dream like flashes.
I woke up with a splitting headache. It felt like someone had driven a Bic pen into my ear with a hammer. Agony. I didn’t know why I was feeling like that. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know the time of day, or even which day it was. There was nothing but blackness and pain. I could hear a woman crying and there may have been other people around me. I tried to open my eyes, but the brightness of light was too much to bear. A man started asking me questions like, ‘do you know where you are?’, etc. I could speak, but didn’t know the answers to any of his questions. Then he said something like, “I don’t think you should worry, your son will live.” Overwhelming little bit of information. The blackness reclaimed me.
Turns out the woman I heard crying was my mother. My father was also in the room. The man asking me the questions was a doctor. I was in the hospital. Apparently I had been struck multiple times, over the back my head with a baseball bat. Some fool snuck up from behind and unleashed his violence upon me. I don’t even remember. I didn’t feel it (until that dream and for many years since). I don’t know who this fool was, is, or will ever be. I don’t know what he looks like. I don’t really care about the fool. He has his own problems to deal with! But he hit my off-switch. He nearly killed me. Apparently, a police officer waited at the hospital until it was determined that I would survive the attack, so they could determine the nature of the criminal charges against this fool. The options were murder or aggravated assault causing bodily harm. Lucky for me and the fool, he was charged with the lesser of the two.
The immediate end result was a dozen or so staples in the top of my head, a fractured skull, a stressed out ear drum, an almost complete loss of body control (zero equilibrium) and a huge hole in my memory. I lost myself. I was nothing more than pain and blackness for a few days. I had lost all other substance. To experience it was terrible. But to be able to look back on it and to understand how it changed me in a profound way is wonderful. In the weeks I spent recovering I learned many essential things. First of all, we are ruled by our subconscious. In the subconscious lay the links to all things. My personal history may have been temporarily rubbed clean, but I did not lose everything. As a matter of fact, without the conscious sense of myself interfering, these links through the subconscious became clearer and stronger.
From here, you can go anywhere, from base survival to the outer regions of the Universe to alternate dimensions and various realities. The subconscious is a part of the sum of all things. We are a part of the overall equation, so not only can we visualize all the other integers, we can influence the answer. Through this, we are one with everything. In this, we become nothing.
Am I the sum of my knowledge? No. I, like everyone else, am the sum of all things.
As a foot note, that dream I had was me flashing in and out of consciousness every time the doctor in the emergency room put another staple in my scalp.