Saturday was a beautiful day. The weather was perfect – cool & cloudless. Great day for driving. We had to venture 200 some odd klicks to get to a friends wedding. The wedding was at Viamede Spa and Resort in Lakefield, Ontario (north east of Peterborough). The wedding was nice. Ceremony was on the shore of Stoney Lake. One thing worthy of mention for the ceremony. While the Bride & Groom were signing the wedding license, the fathers retrieved fishing rods, stepped to the shoreline and cast their lines. Within seconds, the bride’s father caught a fish. Within moments of the fish, at 4 in the afternoon, the moon came out, but only for a minute or two. I am not a semiologist, by any means, but I think those were two auspicious signs bestowed upon this couple by nature.
We didn’t know anyone else there, except for another couple. Very nice. I like them. Otherwise, we were alone in a sea of strangers, some young, some old and all not in the mood to talk to strangers! Picture time for the bride and groom. We tuck away and have a couple of drinks. When the Bride & Groom venture back toward the main resort building to take a few more photos, I notice a couple of idiots sitting on the balcony. They’ve got their pants down and are hanging their asses over the railing, hoping to get into the background of the pictures. Nice friends.
An hour or so later, it’s time for the receiving line and dinner. The Bride and Groom have two really nice families. Weddings are overwhelming for the families, so many people, so many things to do, so many so manies that the day vanishes without many memories other than the blur. Thank goodness for the professional photos (with the asses in the b/g).
We were seated in the very back corner of the reception room, which was perfect – we didn’t know anyone, plus we had the best view of the lake! Here’s where things start to get interesting. There were the four of us (two couples) sitting in the back corner, the rest of the table was populated with six other young people, probably in their early to mid-twenties. There was one guy from Perth Australia, who lives in Oakville now. There were two guys who girlfriends were bridesmaids. And the bride had a girlfriend from college, and two girlfriends from high school. So there we are…a group of six and a group of four, neither group familiar with anyone from the other – table of ten.
I’m sitting beside Preston (real name). I don’t remember anyone else’s name, but his is etched into my memory. Preston was a little drunk. First sign of trouble came in the form of wholly inappropriate comments. “That’s the bride’s step-father. He’s a homo. He doesn’t like me. Homo.” This while the step-father was introducing the wedding party. Then the bride’s mother stands up to say grace. “Oh listen to this bitch, she yabbers on and on and on. I can’t wait to hear this.” He then proceeds to laugh hysterically throughout the entire prayer. Awkward for the four of us. The rest of the other group have smirks on their faces, like we did out of discomfort, but they knew this guy.
Dinner service begins. “The soup tastes like dog’s ass.” So enjoy your soup! I loved mine, some cream of something, but damn it was good. Then comes the salad, “I don’t eat this green shit. Where’s the meat?” When he wasn’t complaining about the food or the people, he was talking about fighting, or calling me ‘Jimmy’, “I call everyone Jimmy.” (My name isn’t Jimmy!)
Then, out of nowhere, he grabs my thigh and holds it. I was surprised. “Hey Jimmy, you’re not a homo.” His hand was closer to my nuts than my knee, if you know what I mean. I tried to make light of the situation, I cracked a joke or two, but they were feeble and tinged with anger. My girlfriend was upset and our friends (across the table) were both upset. (I hate doing these without names, so I am going to refer to our two friends as Ray & Linda!) Ray was pissed, he looked as though he were about to leap the table.
Not satisfied, Preston starts rubbing the back of my head. I can’t stand when people touch the back of my head. I asked him to stop. He did it again. I kind of snapped, slapped his hand away and said something like, “Don’t do it again.” He puts his hand back on my thigh. Okay, so this is happening over say the first thirty minutes of the dinner. None of the people who know Preston are doing or saying anything. They are basically ignoring everything. Oh sure, we were making small talk here and there, but goof ball essentially dominated the focus. I got up to leave a couple of times, I needed to get away. When he announced that “I piss alot.” I finally lost it.
My girlfriend and I went outside to have a cigarette. I was fuming. I wanted to smash wine bottles across this guy’s face. There were either one of two things happening here:
1. Preston was intentionally trying to antagonize me into some kind of conflict.
2. Preston is homosexual, but has not yet realized or come to terms with it. No straight guy, no matter how intoxicated, grabs and holds another guy’s upper thigh for a prolonged period of time. It does not happen.
Either way, this guy is a poor excuse for donkey’s rectum, let alone a human being. On the way back to our table, we stopped at the head table. My girlfriend mentioned something to the bride (her friend), I don’t know what she said. There were some looks of consternation. Then one of the bridesmaids laid claim, “Preston is my boyfriend.” I told her that her boyfriend was being antagonist in a really drunken kind of way.
We get back to the table. Preston is gone. Passed out. But his buddy, noticing our little stop at the head table asks me if everything is all right. Then, he has the nerve to tell me that everyone at the table is just trying to make the best of it. I could’ve screamed. I reply sarcastically, “I appreciate you pointing that out to me.” And he goes on, as though I am the one causing a disruptance. I wanted to rip this prick’s tongue out. “We’re all just trying to make the best of a bad situation.” In my mind, if this guy is a friend of Preston’s he would’ve taken him out of the room much earlier. He would’ve been trying to calm him down, or at least to leave the strangers alone. Nope. Dumb prick just sat there the whole time and let his buddy irritate four complete strangers, then told me that they were all trying to make the best of it.
Poetic justice – the meat plate was served moments after Preston retired to his room for the night! Then I find out, the fool was taking pain killers (some incident with his hand) and drinking. No wonder he was out of control, still no excuse for his dumbass friend to let him behave the way he did, especially since these were the two morons whose girlfriends were bridesmaids.
It gets better. During the speeches, the bride’s step-father, who acted as master of ceremonies (and loved it!), was recalling anecdotes about everyone in the wedding party. When he turned to Preston’s girlfriend, I think the comment was, “Whoa, now you’ve got some catch there!” Then someone called out, “He’s gone for the night.” Apparently no surprise to anyone in the room who knew him. Then the bride’s step-father proceeds to tell a story in which numb nuts some how ended up using the ladies room at a McDonald’s one morning earlier in the week. Hang over was his excuse. I’d have to be pretty far out of it to end up in the ladies room!
Anyways, this only fuels my belief that option number two (as stated above) is closer to the truth. I think that subconsciously, he thought he belonged in the women’s washroom. I think the combination of pain killers and alcohol opened up that same part of his mind at the dinner table. I think he wanted to touch my thigh and rub the back of my head. He was clearly in a state beyond self-control. I would wager large dollars that this is not an infrequent occurence. I bet every one of his male friends have had to fight off some kind of aggressive, but strangely sexual advance from him.
As a footnote: It turns out that Preston and his buddy who was ‘making the best of it’ were the two idiots hanging their asses over the railing. Good friends!