The Greater Toronto Smash-Up Derby

July 25, 2007

Failing to signal a lane change in Ontario costs the offender two points on their driver’s license.  If this were actually enforced, some people would lose their license on the way to work in the morning.  I’ve seen some people make seven or eight lane changes within a few blocks and not signal a single one of them!  I should mention that six or seven of those lane changes were unnecessary.

Another one is failing to turn into the proper lane.  If you’re making a left turn, you should be aiming for the left lane of the roadway you’re turning on to.  If you’re making a right turn, you should be aiming for the right lane of the road.  More often than not, people turn into any lane but the one they’re obligated to by law.

Every week day for the past couple of months has seen a serious accident on one of the major highways in the Greater Toronto Area, usually resulting in at least two lane closures.  Every day there is a serious accident.

I realize that hundreds of thousands of people commute to and from Toronto on a daily basis, but the accidents are more frequent and of a greater severity now then they ever were before.

I think there are too many distractions inside and out of vehicles.  People are not wholly concentrating on driving.  Cell phones, LCD screens and whatever else people have going on, reduce road safety.

I would like to roll video on all the stupid things I see people doing with their cars.  I could make a daily 44 minute comedy show out of it with fresh material for every show.

The new trend of stopping fifteen feet short of the thick white line at intersections when the light is red is driving me nuts.  Pull up to the line.  Better yet are the people who stop their car three lengths behind the car in front of them, then slowly inch forward, bit by bit, until the light turns green.  Friggin’ come to a full stop.

When you stop at an intersection, you should be able to see the back tires of the vehicle in front of you.  This is considered a safe distance.  If you can’t see them, you’re too close.

People are idiots when they drive for many reasons.  Some people are afraid of the roads and drive hesitatingly slow.  Some people can’t read the road signs.  Some people don’t know how to coast (coasting is a condition in which neither the gas nor the brake pedal is under pressure) & are always tapping their brakes.  Some people are angry with other drivers and and let their emotions control their car.

A few things – those who are supposed to enforce the traffic laws should do so without selectivity.  Seemingly small offences like failing to signal lane changes, turning into the wrong lane, etc., are as important as the more serious ones, such as speeding, failing to stop, and what not.  It starts with the police, but the real enforcement is in the courts.  Slack justice will produce slack drivers.  The judiciary has a responsibility to support the police in their efforts to serve and protect.

Automobile manufacturers could do something to make our highways a lot safer & I don’t think it would be too technical or expensive for them.  GRADUATED BRAKE LIGHTS.  The harder you’re pushing the brakes, the brighter your brake lights will be.

Here’s a question that has been asked before…if the maximum speed limit is 100km/h, then why are vehicles manufactured for faster speeds?


July 22, 2007

Yes, I am critical, derogatory, elitist, arrogant & obnoxious.  It is a defense mechanism.  By despising weakness in others, I learn about weakness in myself and try to spin it into an improved self.

One of the things I need to work on is my temperament.  Why I have to whirl through the throes of emotion before I become analytic, I don’t know.  I do know that I am having a very difficult time controlling it.  I don’t know if I am unusual in this regard, but when confronted with something challenging, I will run myself through the full spectrum of emotion, often in less than fifteen minutes, then I’ll enter this realm of pure bliss.  There is no sensation other than the thrill of discovery.  I see solutions in multi-dimensional images.  Even words and feelings are pictures.  Sometimes abstract, others over-exposed, but most of the time crystal clean and clear.

I don’t understand how or why it happens like this.  This is one of those existential concepts upon which we will never agree.  You might read this and think you think the same, but you don’t, at least not that I will ever understand!

I think I race past the emotional filters in my consciousness, possibly past some of the mental ones as well, before vanishing amidst the vibration of the Universe.  There’s an electric hum.  A pulse.  A heartbeat.  Nothing is mine, but everything is there to be shared.  I just have to find what I need, what I came for.

There are monsters here.  Beautiful but terrible monsters.

Smile Stupid

July 22, 2007

It’s not my fault you didn’t get an education, so put a smile on your god damned face when you’re serving me in your menial capacity at work.  You baked your cake (a metphor…not a shot at bakers – baking is very technical & challenging!).  I’m not sorry you used baking soda instead of flour.  You wouldn’t have done that had you been able to cope with instructions.

I didn’t receive any scholarships to pay for my tuition.  My parents didn’t pay for my education.  They taught me how to work & I did the rest on my own.  There were many tough days which grew into tough times & it took a lot of hard work to get to this shitty point in my career.

I’m not where I want to be, but I don’t make that everyone else’s problem.  I buckle down, put my humungous nose to the grind stone and work.  I am a slave to my perception of freedom.

When I am free, I will have even less tolerance for those who didn’t dream, didn’t strive for or accomplish anything.  I don’t understand how you don’t make things better when it’s within your control to do so.

Blank Page Big Words

July 18, 2007

I received my first issue to a screenwriting magazine.  I can’t remember which…the magazine is on my desk at home & I’m at the office!!  [Yep…killing a little time at the end of the day!!]

Great writers allow their work to speak for itself.  Mediocre writers philosophize about their average work as though we should be impressed with their multi-syllabic sophist vocabulary.

I don’t give a shit how young you were when you began Marxist deconstructions of films. 

Maybe we should spend a little less time learning other people’s means of interpretation and more time honing our own word crafting.  Writers are very insecure & like Primo (see Feces of the Species post), writers create false realities where insecurity is flipped into confidence.  If I’m not confident with my work, I bolster my interpretation of it with heavy, hard to define words & hopefully make my audience insecure before they have anything negative to say.

This is the thing with art.  If you don’t like my piece, I will try to make you feel like you’re missing the point, probably a result of your ‘limited’ understanding.  None of this is real.  I like beef.  You like salmon.

Everyone’s looking for the next great screenplay, so where are all the great movies?

Feces of the Species

July 18, 2007

If our brain functions on the same energy (calories) as the rest of our muscles do, then no wonder we’re collectively numbing ourselves down to a new depth of ignorance.  Our food is so deprived of positive caloric energy that most of the energy required for thought is converted into walking from the fridge to the couch and lifting our arms from plate to mouth.  Fat people have fat brains.  Lazy people have lazy brains.  And for those of you who think your education was complete when you received your diploma or degree or certificate (or whatever the hell they gave you for a sense of accomplishment), then you didn’t learn anything useful.

I know a man, let’s call him Primo, who barely finished high school.  Primo was the kind of dumb fool who thought skipping school was cool.  Anyone who went to class was a loser.  Well, he’s in his fifties now and is as dumb as a pole.  His entire life has been one crappy experience after another because he could never shake that high school mentality.  He has a very complex set of conditions which must be satisfied before he feels he should go to work.  If it’s cloudy outside, forget about it.  He doesn’t work on days where there might be some precipitation.  He’s been fired from every job he’s ever had and he can’t figure out why.  It’s usually someone else’s fault.  Once, he was bucking for a promotion, but didn’t get it.  The guy who did was about 5 feet tall.  Primo couldn’t believe they’d promote someone who was THAT SHORT! 

Everything he thinks he knows, he learned from prime time television.  He watched  a particularly informative episode of ER once and couldn’t resist bombarding us with all his medical knowledge.  “Oh, it’s the most amazing thing.  You wouldn’t believe it.  Did you know they could open your head and touch your brain and you’ll see and smell things.  Who would’ve thought.”  Not Primo!  I think I learned that in Elementary school.  Forget about the fact that at the time Heritage Canada was running a commercial specifically about this discovery as segment of their ‘A Part of Our Heritage’ series.  He wasn’t even watching informative commercials.  It appears there is some mental mechanism which exists to prevent the logical intake of information and/or onset of understanding.

Primo loved the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring movie.  The special effects were awesome.  The story is fantastic.  However, Primo was a little surprised that I knew how the second & third movies (unreleased at this point) would end.  He was suprised to learn that there were books, but he was embarrassed to hear that it was published in the fifties (probably around the year he was born).  Within minutes of extolling the virtues of the movie, Primo declared, “It’s shit.  Star Wars was way better.”  I wonder if he knows there are books for Star Wars & that they were published before 1977.

Okay, I need to lay down some background for this one.  Most of this will be familiar to pretty much everyone.  There were two attacks on the World Trade Center – one in 1993 & of course the tragic attack of 2001.  The attack in 1993 was a car bomb detonated in the underground parking.  Well, shortly after the events of September 11th 2001, Primo voiced his theory – it went something like this: “The terrorists finally got it right.”  He opens with screw ball statements.  I looked at him in dumbfounded awe.  “They picked a bigger plane this time.”  What?  “Yeah, the last time (presumably 1993) the plane was too small.  It hit the side of the building and did a nose dive to the sidewalk where it blew up.  That’s why all the damage was low.”

I forget when it was, but a few years ago Mars passed very close to Earth.  One night while out for a walk, someone mentioned Mars and wondered if we could see it.  Primo spoke with the authority of a professor.  “No.  It’s too early.  Mars isn’t out yet.”  Pregnant pause.  “I learned that in college in my astrology class.”  Two things – firstly, planetary cycles (or whatever) would be taught in ASTRONOMY & second, Primo didn’t go to college.  I think you could infer the latter from the former!!

Primo is an extreme example, but he is real, I did not fabricate any of this.  Primo responds to his sense of inferiority by fabricating a reality in which his weakness does not exist or he gets pissed off.

Primo is not alone in his tendency to create realities in which weakness doesn’t exist.  The problem is that the weakness remains the closest connection to actual reality & the strengths become increasingly distant.

To raise a flower, add water.  To raise a problem, add ignorance.

Weeds in the Garden

July 14, 2007

There’s no perfect home so charity can never begin.  I inquire of the Lord above, “Where in hell have you been?”  The Lord didn’t appreciate my doubt when I wondered about why this isn’t a better place.  “It’s simple, my friend, because in the end, none of us is free from sin.” 

Walk Like An Encryption

July 14, 2007

We are so irreversibly backwards it makes my head spin past the point of no return.  Two headlines from the same magazine rack, “Janet’s shocking weight gain” & “Angelina’s shocking weight loss”.  Too fat, too skinny, too smart, too dumb, too fast, too slow, too drunk, too stoned, too sober, too boring.  Milk is good for you, then it’s bad.  How can bovine hormones help humans?  Simple…by turning most of us into fat cows.  All the cops in the doughnut shop go way-oh way-oh way-oh way-oh!  Dowahdidee, isn’t she pretty, the fat of her legs all dirt and gritty?  Cars killed the city.  I’ve got smog on my mind and the radio plays someone else’s song of sorrow, might be mine on the morrow.  Crack that whip, break your momma’s back. 

I saw a fat man have a big mac heart attack.  He fell back and broke his head on the tiled floor, didn’t hurt.  He was dead before he landed.  His Coca-Cola spilt all over the floor, mingling with the blood draining from the split in his head.  I didn’t want to get my new shoes dirty, so I stepped aside and continued my window shopping.  There was an obese girl wearing tiny girl clothes sitting with a skinny girl who was almost naked, each as pronographically ugly as the other, but not as ugly as the old man oggling them, wishing they were swinging around a pole or the teenager who tried to catch a peek of panty and a peak of ecstacy.  Relax, don’t do it. 

Unimaginative people shopping for nothing to do.  Bill Gates can go flip burgers.  I’m hungry.  Let’s erect a penis in honour of Huey Lewis & the news about the decline of Zoroaster on the religious charts.  The devil inside makes me write these strings.  I’ve just chewed about three pounds of sour gum balls.  My tongue is burning with the flames of hell.  The devil is inside my mouth.  The greatest blight in anyone’s life is actionless meaning or meaningless action.  Do this don’t do that, can’t you read the signs?