Judgment (turn your doubt inside out).

January 12, 2011

As  mentioned before (maybe here, but possibly somewhere else), my writing partner and I have completed drafts of 5 feature-length screenplays (4 original + 1 adaptation).  Pretty cool (I suppose).  The stories may not always be better than their predecessor (arguable), but the execution of the script always improves.

We’ve also completed outlines for 3 other features.  I should’ve had the first draft of one of these outlines complete before Christmas (I’ve written 5 pages).  Moving a little slow.

What the hell is happening to me?

Two factors weigh heavily on my ability to write:

1. Time

2. Confidence

I don’t have enough of either and am getting desperate for more of both.

In terms of confidence, my biggest problem is finding, then getting feedback from someone who is qualified to give it.  And then believing it when it comes back positive.  It drives me nuts.  Mainly because it’s all subjective bullshit.

I am remembering something that’s making me feel better.  We did receive some negative comments on the first couple of scripts…but after that almost nothing negative.  That’s impossible.  There has to be something wrong.  Why?  I don’t know…maybe because it would be unrealistic to believe it’s perfect.

What we receive are suggestions as to how we can take a good story and make it better.  Surprisingly, I get very excited when people offer a good suggestion.  I thought I would maybe be possessive.  Nope.

Coincidentally – you know what gets the most criticism?  The titles.  Yep.  Very superficial, but very important in a culture with little time to be anything more than superficial.

It’s a love/hate relationship trying to craft the perfect title.  We’ll spend hours over days (months) working out potential titles for our scripts.  In the end, it doesn’t really bother me.  It’s much easier to change the title page, then it is to change any page after it!!

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The Slump (is over)

January 4, 2011

I’ve been in a mental slump as of late.  My mind, too tired to wander.  My time, too precious to squander…on anything other than the basic essentials of daily living.

Work, care and clean.  Go to work.  Care for my family.  Clean the house.  That’s about all I do.

In terms of money – income=output.  Some months you could replace ‘equals’ with ‘less than’, but never with ‘greater than’.  I am as broke as I have ever been.

My hands are riddled with eczema (stress).  I sweat profusely when (if) I sleep at night (stress).  My back muscles have been in a state of civil war for a few months now (and more stress).

Up at 6am and go, go, go until at least 9pm.  In bed somewhere between 10-11pm.

When do I write?

And this question lays at the base of all my complaints.  I need to write.  It’s ultimately becomes a biological imperative.  If I don’t satisfy the need, then I develop frequent headaches. become moody and self-destructive.  I don’t want to dwell on this aspect of myself.

I need to move forward.  Bring change (growth?) to my life.  Rid myself of my daily dragons.  This constant combat is killing me through attrition.  I have to make a break and finally reclaim myself.  I have to.  Don’t want to.  Need to.

I simply wish I could reduce my wants to the level of my needs.  I guess a billion Buddhist’s are trying to do the same thing.  Very challenging.

Time to refocus and remember my mind generates my reality.  I will be more positive without and therefore, I will be more positive within.  Within and without, although polar opposites, are really the sum of a greater oneness.  It is this greater unified reality which I need to behold and embrace.

Get my life back on track.  Mark my words – big things will start happening for me.