Fatherhood (A First For Me)

December 9, 2007

I’m going to be a father.  Holy jumpin’, look at me, a father?!  I have so much work to do on myself before I can be a reliable guide.  I’m frightened sometimes.  Overwhelmed at other times.  Excited too.  All sorts of emotions, fears and fantasies are engaged in fabricating this certain surreality surrounding me.

I am in love with the baby’s mother.  I love the baby.  I want them to be happy, comfortable and safe.

But, holy shit!  Can I do this?  I know I can, but there’s that damned part of me that won’t let the rest of me relax until I know for certain.  So I push myself too hard – all work and no play sort of mentality.  Mind you, some of my work is play.

I haven’t been writing here because I’ve used every spare moment to write and edit the first draft of a new screenplay.  Writing here is a frivolous waste of my precious time, but I like it.  The story is pretty good.  I was hoping to squeeze another in before Christmas, but it isn’t looking good.

All these things – work, writing, fears, fantasies – slip away when I see something like this…Ultrasound (Dec 05 07)

This is our baby @ 12 weeks, 4 days.  In a freakish twist of fate, I was allowed to watch the entire ultrasound session (Wednesday past).  Wow!  Alive and kicking.  And that’s all that matters.  This feeling overwhelms me.  We’re a family.  And tears swell up in my eyes.  I get that painful lump in my throat.  I grow lost in some endorphin enriched sensation of perfection.  My family.  Beautiful mother and child.  A miracle in the making.  Mind blowing, all encompassing love and compassion.

In these moments, I drop my guard on the backdoor of my consciousness and my fears flood unobstructed through to the very sensitive centre of my being.  This feeling, not a nice feeling, is what wakes me up most mornings.

Can I give my family the life I think they deserve?